"Only Fools Rush In"

So recently I went on what I thought would be a harmless date with man. Yes, a man. A tall, handsome, perfect number of years older than me to make the maturity levels the same....man. A man that is old enough to grow facial hair. The kind of rugged, sexy, scruffy facial hair that I just want to rub my cheek against. A broad shouldered, funny, gone through lifes ups and downs kind of man. A man that can tell me a story and keep me locked in the whole time. A man who actually has his priorities in order. A man that can still behave like a kid...in a good way. A man that can take my sarcasm and give it right back. A man that when goes in for the first kiss completely knocks me off my feet....only to scoop me up and do it again. And when the dizzy feeling leaves,you finally catch your breath, your heart has returned to its normal pattern of beating, your legs seem to stand on their own...you're hoping he does it all over again. Hell, you're hoping he might even do more against everything your mother taught you about dating....

I recently went on a date with a man. This turned into a few more dates. And, for the first time in a very long time I completely lost control and quickly. I knew it. My friends knew it. I could only hope he didn't. My fear: Actually letting a man think I've fallen for him. Once this happens the whole game belongs to him. I have nothing. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the court with no ball, no team, nothing to help me play. And there he is, ball in hand, surrounded by his team. The jerk even has cheerleaders on the side.

This feeling of liking someone actually drives me mad. I'm happy one minute, confused and frustrated the next. I think I know what's going on, then I haven't a clue! He likes me. No wait, he doesn't. I DON'T KNOW AND I HATE IT. This is not enjoyable! This is not fun! This is mind consuming, insecure blowing, big ball of no fun! I start doubting myself. I rethink scenarios in my head. Did I say something? Did I do something? This is the type of woman I pride myself on not behaving like. What happened to me? How do I make the madness stop?!

Well I can't. Instead I have to sit here and wait. Wait for something. Wait for nothing. Wait for disappointment. Wait for absolution. Wait here, completely out of control. Someone recently told me "If you're with a good guy, you're never in control, he just lets you think you are. A bad guy gives you control because he knows he's going to dump your ass in a few months."

Maybe so. When you let go of the illusion that you have this "control", are you actually free. I'm working on it.