All The Small Things

"The great question...which I have not been able to answer is, 'What does a woman want?' "~ Freud. Yeah well Freud, I don't friggin know either and I am a woman.

I think I've come to the realization that the qualities I look for in a guy are absolutely impossible. There is no way I can find a guy that owns them all...or at least the ones that I want. First and foremost I want honesty. I'm still a hopeless romantic enough that I believe you can actually find this in a man. I compare what my parents have and know that it does in fact exist. There are couples out there that are more than happy to spend the rest of their lives with one another...and actually be happy to do so. I want a man that can match me on my sarcasm and not be easily offended. I want a man who is confident with himself enough so that he doesn't feel he needs a woman to complete himself....and also be confident to wish these qualities on his partner. I want a creative man, someone that can think outside the box. Someone who doesn't bring home a piece of jewelry b/c its my birthday and thats what your "supposed to do". I don't care about that. I'd be more inclined to swoon if you came home with coconut flavored ice cream b/c you know it's my favorite. I want a man that makes me feel safe. I'm an independent woman but I still like knowing that there's a guy right there to step in front and take care of me. Call me old fashion in that sense. A man that can accept my flaws and maybe find them cute...just like I would do for him. That I know is possible. My mom is a spender and my dad is a saver and they are going on 20 years. She learned to spend a little less and save a little more and he learned to work more overtime!

I still believe that those qualities that I listed are possible to find and even possible to find in all in one man. Now...for the small ridiculous qualities that get me...well a little excited we'll say. Nothing gets my heart pumping when I know that you have a little bad boy in you. I'm not looking for a guy to get me into trouble...I can do that just fine on my own thank you! You know what I'm talking about...that devilish smirk that as an underlying meaning...one that keeps you hanging for more. This is the type of guy that isn't going to ask you if he can kiss you goodnight, no he's going to GIVE you a kiss goodnight.

Another "thing"(we can't call this a quality) that I love, and let me say this now that it is absolutely NOT a make or break deal, is tattoos. I have such a weakness for a man with really beautiful artwork that is displayed on his body. I can't help it. I remember the first time I noticed I found it incredibly hot. I woke up one morning and (MOM COVER YOUR EYES) the guy I was with had his gorgeously tattooed arm up against my pillow. I was actually turned on! I was staring at it and wanted to jump him right there...again. I was hooked ever since. Silly, I know. But, it is what it is.

So there they are. Now the first ones listed obviously come first. But, why can't I find a man that also possess the others. Why is it one or the other? Then I'm left with what? A safe, stable, predictable man or an exciting man that get my heart pumping. Have I set my standards to high? . Am I too picky? Some people say yes while others say I'm allowed to be picky when it comes to choosing the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Can I be happy with one and not the other? I honestly doubt it. Am I being shallow or decisive?

"If you're not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary." ~ Jim Rohn I hear ya man but easier said than done....

Next up: Date with a very tattooed man. He seems funny, sarcastic....let's see what else he possesses.....Stay tuned. I have a feeling this is going to be very amusing. ;)

Caught Up

I can't speak for all men and women when I say this but a good kisser is pretty much a make or break deal. Never underestimate the power of a good kiss. When it happens, it almost makes you feel like everything else will fall into place. Here's where men and women are different. Women can't get past it...we know right then and there, this is not going anywhere further...I'm 26 years old and I'm not in the business of teaching you how to correctly kiss a woman. You want to nail it(haha, that was not intended), then you better be able to knock her off her feet at first kiss. Make it so that I can't gather my thoughts, I can't form an understandable sentence and please make it so I can barely stand up any longer. Oh and also make it so I can still breath. Thanks.

Ok let me back this up a bit....So I was growing increasingly frustrated with Hot Dad and decided it's time to get back out there and set up date. Let's call him.....Too Much Tongue, TMT for short. So TMT and I start talking via email and then decide to take it to the phone. I quickly find out he is extremely blunt. I can handle blunt and I can certainly handle sarcasm but his bluntness was almost on the verge of rude. I found this as a challenge and wanted to put him in his place. Two can play this game and I found out I played it better than him. We decide to meet...

Unfortunately the tool lived in NH. This should have been a giant flashing light. He wanted me to meet him in Lowell and then we could go out. I know, must be hard driving closer to where the girl with no car lives....what was a 10 minute commute for him was about an hour and 15 for me. Another flashing light.

He picks me up with his absolutely adorable puppy. Nice touch. We drop the dog off at his place and he asks if I want to see his house. Well this was quite the shocker. His house was absolutely impressive. I got lost in it by the end of the tour. Yeah, that nice. Part of me wishes that I was morally incorrect enough to like someone for their gorgeous home. He also drove a Saab. Cute Dog. Cool car. Beautiful home. Eh.

We head out for drinks and dinner. For someone that was pretty amusing and witty on the phone apparently had a little stage fright. He barely talked. I was trying to pull information out but this seemed to be an extremely ridiculous task. I was growing increasingly bored and found myself comparing this date to my first date with Hot Dad. SHIT. This is exactly what I wanted to stay away from. I'm out on a date trying to get away from the frustration with HD and here I was thinking about him. You can now add annoyed to the feelings I was having at this point.

We leave the bar and I still have an hour left before my train heads back to the city so we go back to his place. We ended up playing with the dog and watching the Olympics for a bit. Now, in my head, I was fine but totally not thinking about a second date. Well while I was thinking this he leans for a kiss. Whoa, I wasn't expecting this. Ok.......ok no. I think I can go as far as to say this kiss was worse than my first kiss ever. I couldn't breath, I think at one point I choked, and he had this jack rabbit tongue that was darting in and out of my mouth. It was frightening! I think he touched my tonsils at one point. THANK GOD it was time for me to leave. I couldn't wait to be on the train. I didn't want to ever have to do that again. What I wanted, was for HD to call me so I could get this bad kiss off my mouth and have it done correctly to me. Yeah, I said it.

Now when I got home, I told my friends it was "good" and sure, maybe I'd go on another date. What I was really hoping is that he also felt awkward and I was never going to have to deal with this again. "The Kiss" memory kept flashing into my head and was making me uncomfortable all over again. So now here I sit...a majorly failed date, HD still on the mind, and beyond pissed off at the whole situation. To make matters worse, I get a text today from HD. "just sayin' hi ;)"

WHY WHY WHY.

Here's my question: If you're not interested in someone you fade them out. You stop calling/texting/seeing them. So tell me why he continues to text me? I don't get it. I get men. I don't get him. So much so that it's infuriating me! !@%^&$!@#$^^$ I've officially have no idea what's going on any longer. Oh and to be the fool girl that I am...I still want to see him. Insert more cursing here.

What is wrong with me?!?!?!?

Thoughts? Be nice.

"Only Fools Rush In"

So recently I went on what I thought would be a harmless date with man. Yes, a man. A tall, handsome, perfect number of years older than me to make the maturity levels the same....man. A man that is old enough to grow facial hair. The kind of rugged, sexy, scruffy facial hair that I just want to rub my cheek against. A broad shouldered, funny, gone through lifes ups and downs kind of man. A man that can tell me a story and keep me locked in the whole time. A man who actually has his priorities in order. A man that can still behave like a kid...in a good way. A man that can take my sarcasm and give it right back. A man that when goes in for the first kiss completely knocks me off my feet....only to scoop me up and do it again. And when the dizzy feeling leaves,you finally catch your breath, your heart has returned to its normal pattern of beating, your legs seem to stand on their own...you're hoping he does it all over again. Hell, you're hoping he might even do more against everything your mother taught you about dating....

I recently went on a date with a man. This turned into a few more dates. And, for the first time in a very long time I completely lost control and quickly. I knew it. My friends knew it. I could only hope he didn't. My fear: Actually letting a man think I've fallen for him. Once this happens the whole game belongs to him. I have nothing. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the court with no ball, no team, nothing to help me play. And there he is, ball in hand, surrounded by his team. The jerk even has cheerleaders on the side.

This feeling of liking someone actually drives me mad. I'm happy one minute, confused and frustrated the next. I think I know what's going on, then I haven't a clue! He likes me. No wait, he doesn't. I DON'T KNOW AND I HATE IT. This is not enjoyable! This is not fun! This is mind consuming, insecure blowing, big ball of no fun! I start doubting myself. I rethink scenarios in my head. Did I say something? Did I do something? This is the type of woman I pride myself on not behaving like. What happened to me? How do I make the madness stop?!

Well I can't. Instead I have to sit here and wait. Wait for something. Wait for nothing. Wait for disappointment. Wait for absolution. Wait here, completely out of control. Someone recently told me "If you're with a good guy, you're never in control, he just lets you think you are. A bad guy gives you control because he knows he's going to dump your ass in a few months."

Maybe so. When you let go of the illusion that you have this "control", are you actually free. I'm working on it.

(I Make) Good Girls Go Bad

A good man is not so hard to find right? I can think of 10 at the top of my head who are genuinely great guys. You know the type I’m talking about...the one’s that ACTUALLY call when they say they are going to call. Crazy concept huh? They take you on real dates. Hell, they even tell their friends about you. The point it is, they’re not so hard to find. They only have one drink at dinner because they’re driving. They have female friends they haven’t slept with...yeah yeah whatever. The point is, they’re not hard to find. They are right here in front of our face. Now, bad boys are hard to find. Mostly because they are never where they’re supposed to be. In fact, they’re not supposed to be anywhere. They do as they please. And for some unexplained reason, we accept this. We even find it attractive, appealing, sexy, and incredibly frustrating!

If you’re lucky you might actually get a cell phone number. Of course, it’s really so you never know exactly what(or who) a bad boy is doing. It’s infuriating, insensitive, intriguing, and completely insane!

You know you’re dating a bad boy when you’re not sure you’re actually dating. Bad boys are usually one of two things: unavailable or undressed. This leaves you unable to think of anything but where the hell is he and when will he do that to me again?! Bad boys are rule breakers, heartbreakers, and bed shakers....

A bad boy will call you “baby”, probably because he forgot your name, but still, there’s nothing sexier than a bad boy who’s dying to see you, “baby”. It doesn’t matter if anything he says is true. It sounds good, and it feels good, because “baby”, bad boys have throw down. Bad boys are not tentative about kissing. They are not tentative about anything. They know what they want, who they want, and they go for it. This is thrilling when it’s you, and not so thrilling when its the suddenly the model (not) eating at the table next to you. Of course, that rarely happens because bad boys rarely take you out. They don’t have to . The bar is low for bad boys. They don’t have to surprise you with flowers, it’s a surprise when they show up at all. In fact, a bad boy is happy to let a good guy take you to dinner, ask you about you, kiss you goodnight at the door.....a bad boy knows he can call at midnight and still get invited over for dessert. Bad boys are dessert. They’re like hot fudge sundaes. You know you shouldn’t but you do it anyways and enjoy every last bite!

Now if you have read any of my previous blogs you would know that I love myself a bad boy. But....like I said above, the bar is set low. I don’t expect much which means if I actually intend on doing the serious thing, I think it’s time I let the “bad boy” go. *tear*.

I recently went on a date with a fella. We had a great dinner, great conversation, seems normal.....sounds pretty good right? We sat at the table for what seemed like an hour. In actuality, it was 4! Wow, a nice, normal guy on a nice, normal date. Normal. Not heart pounding. Not a butterfly filled stomach. Normal. Well what did I expect?! I mean I’m attracted to bad boys! I couldn’t possibly expect this to be exciting. Well, I did a little. But, I decided how can I not go on another date when the first date was actually great. He even messaged me the next day to tell me what a nice time he had. I decided to put my bad boy attraction to the side and make plans again. Who knows, maybe he’ll surprise me. Second date is set for the following weekend. yay. If you think there was a hint of sarcasm in that “yay”.....you’re right. But give a woman credit, I’m trying!

Well guess what, he surprised me alright! At 3:30 in the morning the day before our second date. Drunk. The dumbass had the nerve to drunk dial me after one date. Really? I gave up bad boys for this? So to all you ladies looking down on me for still digging the bad boys....not. One. Word. I gave it a shot. I almost gave it two. At least with a bad boy the expectations were already low. At least a bad boy is far from “normal”. Bad boys make my heart pound. At least with a bad boy a late night call is more useful to me.....

"Gives You Hell"

There is nothing worse than having to let a guy go when you've decided that it's just not going anywhere. I hate it. I honestly wish that I was let down instead. I hate the awkward conversation of letting them know that you just are not into it, especially when you know they very much are. I panic that their ego will be bruised and then be mad at me. What usually happens is I end up liking that person as friend and hope that we can be friends instead. Just what every guy loves to hear. "Can we just be friends". It's like a punch to their delicate manhood.

Now with this being said, no matter how painful it is for both parties, it still has to be done. Honestly I really try to be so nice about it. If you're genuinely a nice guy then I want you to know that it was nothing you did wrong, it just wasn't working for me. This is when I hope that he 1. doesn't have some freaky breakdown, especially after a few dates. 2. Doesn't get mad. 3. Is ok with just being friends. 4. Understands the words coming out of my mouth(you'd be surprised how often " I'm not interested" still confuses men).

Here's how my night went. I spent the day with Guy A. We made plans to watch football at his place with a few of his friends. I knew at the end of the day that I was going to have to explain that even though I have fun hanging out with him, I just didn't have any romantic feelings towards him. He was just "one of the guys" to me. The day went fine, had a great time hanging out, he was normal....awesome. Then, the ride home. He lives in NH so my ride home is about 45 minutes. About 2 minutes into the ride he says "So can I ask you a question?" Ok here we go. Obviously the question is if I am interested in him. I explain that although I have a great time hanging out, that's all it is to me. I tell him he's a great guy blah blah blah and I hope that he'll want to still be friends. He responds with that even though he's disappointed, he would still like to be friends. WOW! I'm actually happy, this generally doesn't seem to work!

It didn't work. About five minutes into my ride he explains that he thinks that people don't have romantic feelings at first and that people grow into it. Yeah no. The thought of kissing you makes me cringe. I know myself enough to know that if I don't feel excited after the first date, that it's just not going to work.

I again have to explain that for me, that's not how I work. After letting him down twice he says he understands and thanks me for being honest. Ok great, we're back to the same page. Wait, totally different book. "So can I hold your hand?" Did you just hear anything that came out of my mouth? No, you can NOT hold my hand! "Yeah, you're right". Ok......so then he asks if I would want to hang out at the house again and watch the pats with his friends. Sure we hang out as FRIENDS at your place, that would be fun. He agrees, we talk about random things. It's going well.....

"Can I kiss you goodnight?" Oh sure you can if you want a slap across your mouth. At this point I just get out of the car, tell him thanks, and stomp up to my door. That right there made me feel less bad about letting guys down. I don't understand. When someone tells you that they just see you as a friend, why do you try to persuade them to like you. You can't coax someone into having feelings for you! I felt like I was talking to a salesman.....at least with a salesman, losing means coming home with an oversized t.v. So much easier to manage. Bonus: The T.V. as a power button.

That's it....I'm going T.V. shopping.

"With A Little Help From My Friends"

So I'm sitting here thinking about dating as a whole. I read a lot of profiles on these sites which is where you're supposed to be able to get a quick synopsis of this particular person and who they are. Some barely write a thing while others write their entire story from their first kiss to their last ex running off with their dog(or cat if you're that kind of guy). Very few actually catch my attention and make me want to find out more. What I have come across in a majority of these profiles both short and over done is that they all mention they don't want to play games or be played on. Makes sense right? The whole idea of being played by the other sex sounds horrible, a waste of time, and down right childish. I'm sure as you read this you're shaking your head in agreement. Well, you're wrong. Here's why.

Say for instance you happen to be talking to 2 or 3 guys at the same time(naughty! who does that!? Oh me....). Guy A. is outgoing, funny, interested in meeting you, and appears to be a "normal" fella. Nice! Guy B. Hmmmm he seems to be very outgoing, very funny, also interested in meeting you, and appears to have a slight bad boy trait...Ummm, no comment. Guy C is a little quiet, maybe a little reserved, and well just basically has the looks and thats it. Ok, so not to get yourself in trouble and mix up men you get rid of C. Let's be honest, he may be goodlooking but if you bore me then your looks can only get you so far. Don't argue this, I would know.

Ok so here we are. Guy A and Guy B. Perfect. Now you just have to get to know them a little. Date with Guy A....fun. Date is for the most part relaxed and easy going which is always a plus. He does seem a little eager. Personally I'm not a big PDA girl so holding your hand on the first date seems middle schoolish to me. Also really awkward in a sports bar while watching football. I kind of need my hand for two things: Lifting the beer and fist pumps.

Guy B, really fun and totally easy going. I feel as though I can actually be myself, inappropriate comments and all. This could potentially lean towards a new friend when dates are this easy going except I find myself attracted to him. No hand holding and no awkward moments of silence that leave you sitting there trying to think of something witty to say. All and all....a good date.

Now after your first date there's the big question. Will there be a second date? For both, I decide yes. Guy A texts me the next morning(8:30 to be exact) with "I hope you have a nice day". That's nice. Guy B, nothing yet. Guy A texts me to have a nice rest of the day. Ok....Thanks. You too. Still nothing from Guy B. By the end of the day I've receieved two more texts from Guy A. One telling me to have a good workout(really?) and the second, "Can I call u".

Calling me is fine. I'm not a big talker but I still can hold at least a 5 minute convo. Calling me when we've spoken throughout the day puzzles me. What's left to talk about. At this point I'm starting to think I'm behaving ridiculously and I need to stop. I try.

Guy B texts me before bed and I'm elated. Awesome. Here we go...

Throughout the week I have receieved my morning, afternoon, dinner, after dinner, dessert texts, wishing me all the best. This, obviously being from Guy A. So here I have an actual decent guy, likes to talk to me, clearly wants me to have a REALLY good day and is excited enough to see me again(he's told me this everyday since the first date). What more could a girl ask for??? Oh......just a little friggin space please! Guy B has called once, we had a hysterical coversation, texted here and there funny one liners from a comedian we both like, and has mentioned that would should get together again soon. Notice "should".

Two weeks go by. My phone is blowing up from Guy A and Guy B disappeared for a few days. Disappointment sets in. At this point I've also decided that Guy A is just too much for me. He needs a girl that loves PDA, is looking to settle down yesterday, and likes to snuggle. No Thanks. Oh did I mention he cooks dinner and also bought me an over the top gift on the first date. Want to slap me across the face for being absolutely ridiculous? Get in line.

What do I want?? Well cleary I want the guy that makes me wonder where he is. I want the guy that is going to be around for dessert after Guy A makes me dinner. I want the guy takes his time calling me to make plans for a second date. I want the guy that is clearly playing hard to get. The guy that's playing games.

WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

So here's my question. I want answers people. From both sexes. Do I play the game and be coy and slightly unattainable or can women handle the chase better than men? Do I not play at all(that's boring)? Do I answer his texts or phone calls, or do I make him wait a little? Tell me. Answer me. Give me your best advice. I'm all freaking ears.

"Move Along"

Ok so I took a break from the online dating scene for a bit. Not b/c I found my "soul mate", "prince charming", "the one". No, nothing like that. I took a break b/c if you have read this blog, you'd take a break too! But, I got my needed rest and I'm up and running again. I'm going to entertain you all with some emails I get each day. These are some examples of the ones that will never get a response.

Let me make this clear. I make a profile for a reason. If you message me, I expect that you read my profile. Not skim it and pick out important words....b/c that could just make you sound like fool. For instance, I make it very clear that I hate musicals. I go as far as to say "Musicals are the worst kind of torture". Wow If I was a guy, I'd definitely stay clear of that topic right? So, when sending me your opening email, first impressions are obviously important. "So what's your favorite musical? I'd have to say that the King and I is mine" My first thought....hahahaha we have a jokester on our hands! Second thought...OMG he's serious. Here are 2 big reasons why this poor guy won't get a response. 1. You obviously did NOT read my profile. 2. When I was 15 I went to see the Kind and I. On the way home a car full of cross dressers wearing one piece body suits and stilettos crashed into our car. No. Lie. I hate the King and I the most. Nexxxxxt.

Another way to completely send me running in the other direction would be to have your dog "write" your email to me. Yes, that's right. I received an email that was from his dog. Rudy. That's the dogs name. I have no clue what the owners name is and I don't care to find out. When the email ends with woof-woof, I click delete.

"Look no further, I am your Mr. Right!" Shush! No you most certainly are not! I decide that. You are 47, divorced with three children and used up your entire email to tell me a joke that lost me halfway through. You are so very much NOT my Mr. Right! Move. Along.

Manners are also important when sending me an email. Using the sentence " You seem like you somewhat have it together" is wrong on so many levels. It's rude and I have no idea what you just based that on. Somewhat? I somewhat, have it together? I just explained my obsession with coconut and mascara and my hatred towards musicals and you figure I "somewhat" have it together? Beat it nerd!

This last one I will share with you takes the cake. His internet name SoreBum. Subject title of email: Milk and Poetry.

"Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening...

I saw your face and couldn't resist sayin HI. I wish I could say I am looking b/c I'd be looking directly at you. I am in a very happy and healthy relationship. As a matter of fact my woman and I have been together for over twenty years.

I want you to know there is light. I was almost 40 years old and she 37 yrs. when we met. Keep lookin'! There exist some wonderful guys out there and from what I hear on the inside, they are looking for you.

You're cute and it looks like you've got it together. GOOD LUCK!"

Ok what I want to know...Why is your bum so sore???