"Only Fools Rush In"

So recently I went on what I thought would be a harmless date with man. Yes, a man. A tall, handsome, perfect number of years older than me to make the maturity levels the same....man. A man that is old enough to grow facial hair. The kind of rugged, sexy, scruffy facial hair that I just want to rub my cheek against. A broad shouldered, funny, gone through lifes ups and downs kind of man. A man that can tell me a story and keep me locked in the whole time. A man who actually has his priorities in order. A man that can still behave like a kid...in a good way. A man that can take my sarcasm and give it right back. A man that when goes in for the first kiss completely knocks me off my feet....only to scoop me up and do it again. And when the dizzy feeling leaves,you finally catch your breath, your heart has returned to its normal pattern of beating, your legs seem to stand on their own...you're hoping he does it all over again. Hell, you're hoping he might even do more against everything your mother taught you about dating....

I recently went on a date with a man. This turned into a few more dates. And, for the first time in a very long time I completely lost control and quickly. I knew it. My friends knew it. I could only hope he didn't. My fear: Actually letting a man think I've fallen for him. Once this happens the whole game belongs to him. I have nothing. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the court with no ball, no team, nothing to help me play. And there he is, ball in hand, surrounded by his team. The jerk even has cheerleaders on the side.

This feeling of liking someone actually drives me mad. I'm happy one minute, confused and frustrated the next. I think I know what's going on, then I haven't a clue! He likes me. No wait, he doesn't. I DON'T KNOW AND I HATE IT. This is not enjoyable! This is not fun! This is mind consuming, insecure blowing, big ball of no fun! I start doubting myself. I rethink scenarios in my head. Did I say something? Did I do something? This is the type of woman I pride myself on not behaving like. What happened to me? How do I make the madness stop?!

Well I can't. Instead I have to sit here and wait. Wait for something. Wait for nothing. Wait for disappointment. Wait for absolution. Wait here, completely out of control. Someone recently told me "If you're with a good guy, you're never in control, he just lets you think you are. A bad guy gives you control because he knows he's going to dump your ass in a few months."

Maybe so. When you let go of the illusion that you have this "control", are you actually free. I'm working on it.

(I Make) Good Girls Go Bad

A good man is not so hard to find right? I can think of 10 at the top of my head who are genuinely great guys. You know the type I’m talking about...the one’s that ACTUALLY call when they say they are going to call. Crazy concept huh? They take you on real dates. Hell, they even tell their friends about you. The point it is, they’re not so hard to find. They only have one drink at dinner because they’re driving. They have female friends they haven’t slept with...yeah yeah whatever. The point is, they’re not hard to find. They are right here in front of our face. Now, bad boys are hard to find. Mostly because they are never where they’re supposed to be. In fact, they’re not supposed to be anywhere. They do as they please. And for some unexplained reason, we accept this. We even find it attractive, appealing, sexy, and incredibly frustrating!

If you’re lucky you might actually get a cell phone number. Of course, it’s really so you never know exactly what(or who) a bad boy is doing. It’s infuriating, insensitive, intriguing, and completely insane!

You know you’re dating a bad boy when you’re not sure you’re actually dating. Bad boys are usually one of two things: unavailable or undressed. This leaves you unable to think of anything but where the hell is he and when will he do that to me again?! Bad boys are rule breakers, heartbreakers, and bed shakers....

A bad boy will call you “baby”, probably because he forgot your name, but still, there’s nothing sexier than a bad boy who’s dying to see you, “baby”. It doesn’t matter if anything he says is true. It sounds good, and it feels good, because “baby”, bad boys have throw down. Bad boys are not tentative about kissing. They are not tentative about anything. They know what they want, who they want, and they go for it. This is thrilling when it’s you, and not so thrilling when its the suddenly the model (not) eating at the table next to you. Of course, that rarely happens because bad boys rarely take you out. They don’t have to . The bar is low for bad boys. They don’t have to surprise you with flowers, it’s a surprise when they show up at all. In fact, a bad boy is happy to let a good guy take you to dinner, ask you about you, kiss you goodnight at the door.....a bad boy knows he can call at midnight and still get invited over for dessert. Bad boys are dessert. They’re like hot fudge sundaes. You know you shouldn’t but you do it anyways and enjoy every last bite!

Now if you have read any of my previous blogs you would know that I love myself a bad boy. But....like I said above, the bar is set low. I don’t expect much which means if I actually intend on doing the serious thing, I think it’s time I let the “bad boy” go. *tear*.

I recently went on a date with a fella. We had a great dinner, great conversation, seems normal.....sounds pretty good right? We sat at the table for what seemed like an hour. In actuality, it was 4! Wow, a nice, normal guy on a nice, normal date. Normal. Not heart pounding. Not a butterfly filled stomach. Normal. Well what did I expect?! I mean I’m attracted to bad boys! I couldn’t possibly expect this to be exciting. Well, I did a little. But, I decided how can I not go on another date when the first date was actually great. He even messaged me the next day to tell me what a nice time he had. I decided to put my bad boy attraction to the side and make plans again. Who knows, maybe he’ll surprise me. Second date is set for the following weekend. yay. If you think there was a hint of sarcasm in that “yay”.....you’re right. But give a woman credit, I’m trying!

Well guess what, he surprised me alright! At 3:30 in the morning the day before our second date. Drunk. The dumbass had the nerve to drunk dial me after one date. Really? I gave up bad boys for this? So to all you ladies looking down on me for still digging the bad boys....not. One. Word. I gave it a shot. I almost gave it two. At least with a bad boy the expectations were already low. At least a bad boy is far from “normal”. Bad boys make my heart pound. At least with a bad boy a late night call is more useful to me.....