Dance With The Devil

Have you ever had one of those days/nights where you just felt like you were part of some sitcom? The kind of night where anything and everything that happens seems like it was scripted...for the pure entertainment of others? If not....tag along with me, only then will you understand.What I'm about to write is going to seem made up, exaggerated, and down right absurd. All I can say is it's not and hope that you enjoy....

I make plans with a "gentleman" this past Friday night. I was pretty sure it was going to be one date and one date only but had nothing going on and needed a random night out. Random doesn't even begin. We decide to meet up at a local square we both live near and grab dinner at a low key Italian place. When I walk in to greet him the first thing I notice is his attire for the evening. Displayed across his shirt was this: "Who The F**k Is Kanye West?". Seriously. Listen, I am team Tay Swift too but really?? That's what you chose to wear when you meet someone for the first time? Well we awkwardly hug and walk up to the counter to order our food where the woman greets my date by his first name. Apparently he goes here every night after the gym for dinner. 2 mental notes to jot down: 1. He doesn't cook. 2. Never come here again.

We sit down while we wait for our food and start chatting about our day. Someone how the use of computers comes up and he mentions that he is very computer illiterate but not to worry b/c he's "wicked smaht". Yes, when using the term "wicked smaht", you must be highly intelligent. I slightly choke on my soda and push it back out of my head. I ask him what about computers he finds challenging to which he couldn't exactly answer me but proceeds to explain what he uses it for. Facebook, Okcupid, youtube, and porn. Oh and Google is his wallpaper. I asked if he meant his homescreen to which he cocked his head to the side in confusion. Nevermind. I ask him what kind of computer he has and he tells me a macbook. Oh, hey we have something in common! He then finishes that with he got a stolen one for "wicked cheap" and he's going to have someone wipe it all out so it will be like his now. I stare at him. "You bought a stolen computer?" "Oh yeah, it's so much cheaper to do that. My ipod is stolen too" Ok if there is one thing that angers me, it's this. Coming from someone who had her iphone stolen right from her, I'm livid. At this point I'm now just passing the time before I meet up with a friend. Getting angry with someone like this is so beyond useless. I decide to change the subject....

I figured a safe question to ask would be where he grew up. Silly me. He tells me he grew up in South Boston in a really bad neighborhood. Shocking. This opens up to him wanting to tell me a little about his backround. In the next 20 minutes I found he spent his early 20's in jail. But not to worry b/c it wasn't in 5 straight years. Oh so you're a repeat offender who was arrested multiple times? Great, yeah I'm totally not worried....He tells me he was arrested for possession of OC's along with "other things". I never asked what these "other things" were but you can imagine where my head was going. He then tells me he has been sober for two years and that he has finally straightened out his life. Aside from purchasing stolen electronics that is. I congratulate him on his soberness b/c at that point I have nothing else to say.

At this point I am scared to ask any question for fear of the answer I will receive. Suddenly I realized I never asked about his tattoo sleeves. Seems like a a safe approach.....stupid. Stupid me. His tattoos? No big deal. It's just God with two handguns blowing the brains out of the devil. Charming. What was more charming? The "FTW" printed on the knuckles of the Devil. For those of you that don't know what that stands for...."F**k The World. No lie.

Next on the history of this gentleman was that he has a 6 year old son. Ok that I did not know. He follows that up with he missed the first 4 years b/c he was in and out of jail. It wasn't until he became sober that he became part of his sons life. That was probably the smartest thing he did. He then tells me yet again "don't worry" b/c they didn't date. So you had a one night stand and knocked her up? Why am I not surprised by this? When the phrase "don't worry" is used more than once on a first date, I can't help but to worry. A lot. To my relief, he finally finishes telling me about his past. I wasn't sure I could handle much more of it. He then says he's an honest guy and that he would rather tell me now about all his "luggage". I think he meant baggage but sure luggage works...

I think I sat there for the next 5 minutes in silence trying to digest all that was told to me. "Don't worry" though, it wasn't awkward for him b/c he was busy shoveling his food in. He didn't even realize that I was in shock. After the initial shock faded, I decided that this will go down so far as the most horrible yet amusing date I have ever had. I didn't even know that it wasn't over yet....

As I was sitting there biting my tongue not to laugh at my evening, my date starts knocking on the glass window we were sitting next to. I quickly turn to see a man shoveling pizza into his mouth outside. He turns, sees my date, and runs right into the restaurant. Dear God. My date then introduces me to.......wait for it........his AA sponsor. I think at this point I bit through my tongue and a small chuckle escaped. For the last 30 minutes of our date, I sat next to my dates AA sponsor and listened to them talk about some of the "guys" who switched halfway houses, fell off the wagon, or got "thrown in the slammer". Not once did I speak. I don't exactly have any knowledge about those things so my contribution would have been ignorant. Thrilled that it was time to meet my friend I politely try to excuse myself so these fine gentlemen can finish their conversation. It was certainly going better than ours had. Unfortunately what I thought was going to be a nice clean escape didn't exactly turn out that way. He then tells his sponsor that he better get going to so he can walk me to where I'm meeting a friend. I try to explain that's unnecessary but he wasn't having it. NOW he decides to be a gentleman. Now.

After a date like that I have never in my life wanted a drink so bad. Ironic actually. I think the term "opposites attract" in this case is very wrong. The thought of introducing this man to my father sends me in a fit of laughter.

My mother always said that one day I would finally leave behind my attraction to bad boys. I didn't believe her. Until now that is. Mom, you're right. I'm sorry. Only nerdy, nice, non tattooed boys from now.....well I'll try.

Next up: A handsome guy who wants to have dinner and drinks in the South End. Now that's my kind of date. Who wants to take bets that he used to be a she before....b/c that's the only way he could top my last horrendous date!

"When You Say Nothing At All"

We have entered the world of technology at an absurd speed and I don't see it slowing down anytime soon or ever for that matter. It has taken over our lives in almost every possible way. Communication forms being number one. Example: Texting.

I personally am a giant fan of it. Almost too much. It's quiet. No awkward silence on the other end. You respond when you can and have the time for it. You don't respond at all. You have time to think of a witty comment to respond back with. Admit it, most of us are much funnier when given the time. By most of us, I mean most of you. I am just plain funny all the time. Hell, texting even lets you behave a little.....naughtier than normal...if you're into that sort of thing of course. All in all, I don't have too many bad things to say about texting. Key word: Too many.

There are of course times when texting is not my friend.....let's take a step back to a last week. Wednesday to be exact. I was minding my own business reading my emails on OkCupid when I received and IM. I am not sure how, seeing I know I clicked off this application b/c I think it's intrusive and see no issue with an just emailing someone. This way the person can respond or not. An IM, is there in your face, blinking at you all pink and white. I find it offensive when I am trying to read an email and this happens. This flashing light keeps taking away my attention from a guy who was polite enough to send an email. Needy if you ask me. I suppose I should have known better...

So here I am staring at this blinking IM...right at a naked stomach. His profile picture is of his abs. Being the smart ass that I am, I can't help but respond to this. "I feel like I am talking to a belly button. Please put some clothes on and then maybe I will consider talking to you." I figured this blunt approach would offend him and his abs and he would disappear. Wrong. Instead he responds with "Sorry, I just wanted to tell you that you're profile is funny and I enjoyed it." So his belly button just told me something I was already aware of. Suddenly his profile picture is of his face. Ok...he changed his picture. The least I can do is talk to him for a bit before I play the "worked 11 hours, I'm really tired, yaaaawn" card.

I ended up talking to B.B. (belly button, keep up) for about 30 minutes. He seemed fine, we shared the same music taste and laughed at everything I said. Smart guy. He then gives me his number, even though I didn't ask for it. I take it and continue talking. I politely get off and tell him I will talk to him later. Whether that was true or not I wasn't quite sure....Of course I forgot to turn the IM application off again and he caught me the next night. I talked to him and decided to make plans with him. I figured worse comes to worse I'll have yet another humorous blog to write about right? This fella is so talented I didn't even need another date....

After making plans with him I give him my number so he has a way of getting a hold of me in case plans need to change. I generally think this is a smart thing to do....generally. He takes my number and decides I am his new texting buddy. Awesome. I get my first text the next day at work. "Have a great day!" Suddenly I start hyperventilating b/c it makes me think of the last guy that wouldn't stop texting me every two seconds. I politely thank him and explain I have a busy day ahead of me and I will talk to him later.

He texts me that night that he just got of work and he's "reaaaaal tired" and asks if I will make the rain go away. You're kidding me. If this is some form of flirting I am nothing but annoyed with you. I don't need updates on you, I don't know you. And please don't ask me to do impossible tasks...those text are reserved for my friends. Thanks. I don't have a response to him so I don't respond at all. This brings up his next text. "Do you still like me?". EXCUSE ME?? "LIKE YOU"? I don't know you! At all. Who are you??? I can already tell this guy is just going to annoy me before my date even begins. This also happens to be the same time I remember my work schedule has changed and I can no longer go on a Monday night date. Hallelujah!! I text him that I unfortunately(complete lie) have to cancel our date for Monday night b/c my schedule at work has changed. If I could even prepare you for his next response I would, but I can't. I think the only way to best explain it is to actually type out word for word his response. Keep in mind I responded once and then he took the rest from there...Also keep in mind that it came into my phone in 6 installments. Are you ready...I sure hope so!

B.B. "So do you want to see me or do I bore you"

Me. Beyond annoyed now and not holding back "You've asked me that more than once. I just said I'm working. You seem like someone that needs a lot of assurance and attention. I don't think I'm the right person for that."

B.B. "Umm sorry didn't know u couldn't text gosh." Yes he said gosh.

B.B. "I hardly talk to u. Not like ur making an effort to get to know me. Not like I could possibly know ur schedules. You are hard to read and I don't intend to be a bother. So if u feel like that its your loss. I've tried to get to know u. It wasn't a big deal that u can't see me. I'm not sweating it. And yeah I mean u don't text me randomly to say hi so I didn't want to feel a bother. I get that ur busy. I'm busy too. Geez. We hadn't had a convo in a few days so I didn't know if I was forgotten about or not. If ur gonna act like I'm a bother then whatever. U blow it out of proportion. I thought u were playful and flirtatious. Was just trying to hear u say sumthin nice I'm not an attention whore." Phew. That was a lot to type!

Well I had no response to that. At all. But I have to say that my favorite sentence out of that train wreck was his last one. The contradicting one that was looking for a compliment but was mentioning that he in fact was not an "attention whore". I don't know about other women, but this one doesn't date men that use the term "attention whore".

To the next guy that says women are needy and crazy...this blog is for you. xoxo.

All The Small Things

"The great question...which I have not been able to answer is, 'What does a woman want?' "~ Freud. Yeah well Freud, I don't friggin know either and I am a woman.

I think I've come to the realization that the qualities I look for in a guy are absolutely impossible. There is no way I can find a guy that owns them all...or at least the ones that I want. First and foremost I want honesty. I'm still a hopeless romantic enough that I believe you can actually find this in a man. I compare what my parents have and know that it does in fact exist. There are couples out there that are more than happy to spend the rest of their lives with one another...and actually be happy to do so. I want a man that can match me on my sarcasm and not be easily offended. I want a man who is confident with himself enough so that he doesn't feel he needs a woman to complete himself....and also be confident to wish these qualities on his partner. I want a creative man, someone that can think outside the box. Someone who doesn't bring home a piece of jewelry b/c its my birthday and thats what your "supposed to do". I don't care about that. I'd be more inclined to swoon if you came home with coconut flavored ice cream b/c you know it's my favorite. I want a man that makes me feel safe. I'm an independent woman but I still like knowing that there's a guy right there to step in front and take care of me. Call me old fashion in that sense. A man that can accept my flaws and maybe find them cute...just like I would do for him. That I know is possible. My mom is a spender and my dad is a saver and they are going on 20 years. She learned to spend a little less and save a little more and he learned to work more overtime!

I still believe that those qualities that I listed are possible to find and even possible to find in all in one man. Now...for the small ridiculous qualities that get me...well a little excited we'll say. Nothing gets my heart pumping when I know that you have a little bad boy in you. I'm not looking for a guy to get me into trouble...I can do that just fine on my own thank you! You know what I'm talking about...that devilish smirk that as an underlying meaning...one that keeps you hanging for more. This is the type of guy that isn't going to ask you if he can kiss you goodnight, no he's going to GIVE you a kiss goodnight.

Another "thing"(we can't call this a quality) that I love, and let me say this now that it is absolutely NOT a make or break deal, is tattoos. I have such a weakness for a man with really beautiful artwork that is displayed on his body. I can't help it. I remember the first time I noticed I found it incredibly hot. I woke up one morning and (MOM COVER YOUR EYES) the guy I was with had his gorgeously tattooed arm up against my pillow. I was actually turned on! I was staring at it and wanted to jump him right there...again. I was hooked ever since. Silly, I know. But, it is what it is.

So there they are. Now the first ones listed obviously come first. But, why can't I find a man that also possess the others. Why is it one or the other? Then I'm left with what? A safe, stable, predictable man or an exciting man that get my heart pumping. Have I set my standards to high? . Am I too picky? Some people say yes while others say I'm allowed to be picky when it comes to choosing the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Can I be happy with one and not the other? I honestly doubt it. Am I being shallow or decisive?

"If you're not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary." ~ Jim Rohn I hear ya man but easier said than done....

Next up: Date with a very tattooed man. He seems funny, sarcastic....let's see what else he possesses.....Stay tuned. I have a feeling this is going to be very amusing. ;)

Caught Up

I can't speak for all men and women when I say this but a good kisser is pretty much a make or break deal. Never underestimate the power of a good kiss. When it happens, it almost makes you feel like everything else will fall into place. Here's where men and women are different. Women can't get past it...we know right then and there, this is not going anywhere further...I'm 26 years old and I'm not in the business of teaching you how to correctly kiss a woman. You want to nail it(haha, that was not intended), then you better be able to knock her off her feet at first kiss. Make it so that I can't gather my thoughts, I can't form an understandable sentence and please make it so I can barely stand up any longer. Oh and also make it so I can still breath. Thanks.

Ok let me back this up a bit....So I was growing increasingly frustrated with Hot Dad and decided it's time to get back out there and set up date. Let's call him.....Too Much Tongue, TMT for short. So TMT and I start talking via email and then decide to take it to the phone. I quickly find out he is extremely blunt. I can handle blunt and I can certainly handle sarcasm but his bluntness was almost on the verge of rude. I found this as a challenge and wanted to put him in his place. Two can play this game and I found out I played it better than him. We decide to meet...

Unfortunately the tool lived in NH. This should have been a giant flashing light. He wanted me to meet him in Lowell and then we could go out. I know, must be hard driving closer to where the girl with no car lives....what was a 10 minute commute for him was about an hour and 15 for me. Another flashing light.

He picks me up with his absolutely adorable puppy. Nice touch. We drop the dog off at his place and he asks if I want to see his house. Well this was quite the shocker. His house was absolutely impressive. I got lost in it by the end of the tour. Yeah, that nice. Part of me wishes that I was morally incorrect enough to like someone for their gorgeous home. He also drove a Saab. Cute Dog. Cool car. Beautiful home. Eh.

We head out for drinks and dinner. For someone that was pretty amusing and witty on the phone apparently had a little stage fright. He barely talked. I was trying to pull information out but this seemed to be an extremely ridiculous task. I was growing increasingly bored and found myself comparing this date to my first date with Hot Dad. SHIT. This is exactly what I wanted to stay away from. I'm out on a date trying to get away from the frustration with HD and here I was thinking about him. You can now add annoyed to the feelings I was having at this point.

We leave the bar and I still have an hour left before my train heads back to the city so we go back to his place. We ended up playing with the dog and watching the Olympics for a bit. Now, in my head, I was fine but totally not thinking about a second date. Well while I was thinking this he leans for a kiss. Whoa, I wasn't expecting this. Ok.......ok no. I think I can go as far as to say this kiss was worse than my first kiss ever. I couldn't breath, I think at one point I choked, and he had this jack rabbit tongue that was darting in and out of my mouth. It was frightening! I think he touched my tonsils at one point. THANK GOD it was time for me to leave. I couldn't wait to be on the train. I didn't want to ever have to do that again. What I wanted, was for HD to call me so I could get this bad kiss off my mouth and have it done correctly to me. Yeah, I said it.

Now when I got home, I told my friends it was "good" and sure, maybe I'd go on another date. What I was really hoping is that he also felt awkward and I was never going to have to deal with this again. "The Kiss" memory kept flashing into my head and was making me uncomfortable all over again. So now here I sit...a majorly failed date, HD still on the mind, and beyond pissed off at the whole situation. To make matters worse, I get a text today from HD. "just sayin' hi ;)"

WHY WHY WHY.

Here's my question: If you're not interested in someone you fade them out. You stop calling/texting/seeing them. So tell me why he continues to text me? I don't get it. I get men. I don't get him. So much so that it's infuriating me! !@%^&$!@#$^^$ I've officially have no idea what's going on any longer. Oh and to be the fool girl that I am...I still want to see him. Insert more cursing here.

What is wrong with me?!?!?!?

Thoughts? Be nice.