"Don't Wanna Be A Player"

The hottest trend right now....older women dating younger men. The idea certainly seems hot. Men have been dating younger women for years so why shouldn't women try a young thing on. Personally at my age, dating a younger guy even by 3 years has yet to work to my advantage. They still have that mentality of a 16 year old boy. I'll save my cougar hunting for my late thirties and beyond.

Since I can remember, I've always been attracted to older men myself. Daddy issues? Maybe. Same maturity level? Usually. Better in bed? Always. I think the appeal is that they have already sewed their wild oats. It's kind of like my bad boy obsession but a little more tamed. A little. My crushes always were much older. TV stars, teachers, etc....Is it ideal? Not in the least. Usually the things I still have to look forward to in life, they have already been there and done that. So why continue? The one reason that everyone says when they like someone, ideal or not. "you can't help who you like". Amen sistah.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go hunting for men 20 years my senior who have already established their lives. Well, at least I don't think I do. I date men my age. Some have even caught my attention for more than one date. One was the hottest, most fun fling I've ever had. The first time around. Not so hot the second, but that's a whole other blog. The other....well I still think about our....ummmmm.....well you get the drift. Hell, I still get texts from him and I won't lie that it still gets my heart racing...among other things. The problem with these boys...that's all that it is. I spent the majority of my 20's playing the field and having a hell of a good time. I don't regret one single minute of it. Lately, I've been less and less interested in that life style. Could it be I'm maturing....heavens, I do believe so!

In an attempt to try my hardest to stay away from men twice my age I went on a date last week with someone 4 years younger. I think all the 30 somethings have vacationed for the summer....

He's cute...in a frat boy, probably hasn't grown chest hair yet, still lives at home with mom kind of way. This sounds less cute when said out loud. He was cute. Not handsome. Have I mentioned I love handsome older men? Oh sorry. The date....right. Well, we grab a drink. Me:Stella Artois. Him:PBR. I kid you not. In a very short amount of time, I now confirm my attraction to older men whether it's good for me or not. This is just NOT working. He's still talking about college,beer pong and flip cup. No thank you. I politely remove myself and head home. Terrible date? No. Just not for me. If this was a normal person, this blog would end here. I think we know my life is far from normal.....

Two days after our date I receive a text late at night from a number I don't recognize. "I would def hook up". This must be a wrong number. I ask who it is. It's not a wrong number. He asks if I'm "down". In a strange way I suppose I can take this as a compliment but I politely explain that right now, I'm not looking for that but I think that at his age he should concentrate on having some fun. Just not with me. I thought it was a nice way of letting him down. Didn't matter. He then proceeds to tell me that he's sure I'm frisky every now and then and that he can solve that problem. Every now and then? I said I'm 27 not 67! I'm more than every now and then! At this point I needed to get to bed so I just ignored his next few texts.

This went on for days. He even got a little dirty with me via texts. There was certainly a rush of excitement but still most of me was just annoyed. He was relentless! I admire the persistence but at 23 you MUST know a pretty young girl looking to answer your prayers. Right? I eventually ran out of ways to let him down. He wasn't taking no for an answer and I wasn't giving in. Don't get me wrong. I thought about it. But, I know how young guys are....If I'm going to have my friskiness taken care of, it's not going to be with a young inexperienced guy. Call me rude. Whatever. In my opinion I think most(not all) younger guys have one thing in mind. Getting themselves taken care of.

Finally, after many failed attempts at declining every advance, he finally got the message and left me alone. For those that know me and know me well.....I usually give in after two attempts. I do indeed believe that this young women is growing up...just a little. Either that or I have just have something(someone) else up my dress. Sleeve! I mean sleeve! ;)

"Same Old Song And Dance"

Why is it when you are really in the mood for something it's hard to find, doesn't exist, too expensive, or off limits? I have lived the past 7 years without a care in the world when it comes to men. You can come, you can go, either way it's doubtful you'll break my heart. I've probably already gotten bored or found something new anyways. Yet lately all I really wanted was one normal date that maybe even ends with a sweet goodnight kiss. Yes I just said sweet. Ok poor choice of word. Passionate? Hungry? Yes, perhaps those are better words. Leave me with a kiss that has my cheeks flushed, my breath short, and my words, escaped me....

Maybe it's the "Summer Love" mode I seem to see everywhere. Apparently this years fashion is a floral print summer dress, platform stilettos, Ray Bans, and a man to finish off the look. I can't remember the last time accessorizing with a man was remotely important to me. What is important though is keeping up with the latest fashion trends! I have summer dresses galore and a shoe collection Imelda Marcos would be proud of. The only thing missing....is that handsome accessory. Don't get me wrong, I can still walk proudly down the street in my stilettos and dress but it certainly would be more fun if someone else was enjoying that ensemble too.....

Lately, it's been slim pickens. I've had a man with a fan of $20 bills by his face try to email me, no offense but I'm not even going to look at what you had to say to me. A 21 year old looking for "a chick to hang out wit that's fly". Seriously, who actually says "fly" and at 21 what could you possibly even offer me. And don't wink at me dude b/c I'd bet my life you don't even know what you're doing in that department either so run along. Foreign men that can barely speak or type English that are looking for a wife. I'm not even going to go there....I even had a 32 year old man lecture me that Bret Michaels is in fact a "great guy"( in response to a snide comment about him in my profile). Well then maybe you, Bret, and his hair extensions should get a room. Was there a sale on smart attractive men recently that I missed? I'm pretty good at keeping up with sales. Especially ones that involve good looking guys.

I went on a date last weekend with a nice enough guy. Great job, lives in the back bay, attractive....wait for it.....BUT, the man is seriously attracted to attention. More than me. If you know me, that really says something. He craves it and thrives on it. He always manages to find a news camera at some sporting or city event and get face time. Good or bad, the guy loves attention and fully admits it. My attention preferably doesn't involve youtube or TV cameras. My luck, that would happen and I would get caught at exactly the WRONG moment doing exactly the WRONG thing. Not so shocking coming from me. He also is insanely obsessed with the Bruins. Now before some of you Bruins fans jump down my throat(not in a good way), I am in no way putting down loving a sporting event. Trust me. I love me some Sox hard core...but they don't rule or dictate my life. Maybe given the fact that it's playoff season, it's extremely amplified for him. Maybe. Or maybe he has a black and yellow fish named Lucic. For those not in the know, that's B's left wing. Thanks to a quick yet helpful lesson before my date, I am in the know. For those ladies still not in the know....he's pretty cute and after watching a quick video on him...he's pretty aggressive on the ice(you know what they say about men aggressive on the ice right?)....Sorry I digress. Have I mentioned that my date dresses up as a bear for all the home games? No? Luckily he left the bear suit home for the date....

All and all my date was pleasant and I really don't have anything bad to say. I don't have anything exciting to say but sometimes that can also be a good thing. Maybe a little less excitement in the life of this bad girl is a good thing? Or maybe that sentence alone bores me to tears. So I play with fire a little.....It's only b/c I can take the heat. I can handle what those creatures of the common place and slaves of ordinary can't. Maybe after the B's seal the deal this guy will show me a little more than his love of the game. Otherwise, I'm going to start checking Ebay for that missing accessory. Story of my life would lean towards me paying full price if not more.....

Dance With The Devil

Have you ever had one of those days/nights where you just felt like you were part of some sitcom? The kind of night where anything and everything that happens seems like it was scripted...for the pure entertainment of others? If not....tag along with me, only then will you understand.What I'm about to write is going to seem made up, exaggerated, and down right absurd. All I can say is it's not and hope that you enjoy....

I make plans with a "gentleman" this past Friday night. I was pretty sure it was going to be one date and one date only but had nothing going on and needed a random night out. Random doesn't even begin. We decide to meet up at a local square we both live near and grab dinner at a low key Italian place. When I walk in to greet him the first thing I notice is his attire for the evening. Displayed across his shirt was this: "Who The F**k Is Kanye West?". Seriously. Listen, I am team Tay Swift too but really?? That's what you chose to wear when you meet someone for the first time? Well we awkwardly hug and walk up to the counter to order our food where the woman greets my date by his first name. Apparently he goes here every night after the gym for dinner. 2 mental notes to jot down: 1. He doesn't cook. 2. Never come here again.

We sit down while we wait for our food and start chatting about our day. Someone how the use of computers comes up and he mentions that he is very computer illiterate but not to worry b/c he's "wicked smaht". Yes, when using the term "wicked smaht", you must be highly intelligent. I slightly choke on my soda and push it back out of my head. I ask him what about computers he finds challenging to which he couldn't exactly answer me but proceeds to explain what he uses it for. Facebook, Okcupid, youtube, and porn. Oh and Google is his wallpaper. I asked if he meant his homescreen to which he cocked his head to the side in confusion. Nevermind. I ask him what kind of computer he has and he tells me a macbook. Oh, hey we have something in common! He then finishes that with he got a stolen one for "wicked cheap" and he's going to have someone wipe it all out so it will be like his now. I stare at him. "You bought a stolen computer?" "Oh yeah, it's so much cheaper to do that. My ipod is stolen too" Ok if there is one thing that angers me, it's this. Coming from someone who had her iphone stolen right from her, I'm livid. At this point I'm now just passing the time before I meet up with a friend. Getting angry with someone like this is so beyond useless. I decide to change the subject....

I figured a safe question to ask would be where he grew up. Silly me. He tells me he grew up in South Boston in a really bad neighborhood. Shocking. This opens up to him wanting to tell me a little about his backround. In the next 20 minutes I found he spent his early 20's in jail. But not to worry b/c it wasn't in 5 straight years. Oh so you're a repeat offender who was arrested multiple times? Great, yeah I'm totally not worried....He tells me he was arrested for possession of OC's along with "other things". I never asked what these "other things" were but you can imagine where my head was going. He then tells me he has been sober for two years and that he has finally straightened out his life. Aside from purchasing stolen electronics that is. I congratulate him on his soberness b/c at that point I have nothing else to say.

At this point I am scared to ask any question for fear of the answer I will receive. Suddenly I realized I never asked about his tattoo sleeves. Seems like a a safe approach.....stupid. Stupid me. His tattoos? No big deal. It's just God with two handguns blowing the brains out of the devil. Charming. What was more charming? The "FTW" printed on the knuckles of the Devil. For those of you that don't know what that stands for...."F**k The World. No lie.

Next on the history of this gentleman was that he has a 6 year old son. Ok that I did not know. He follows that up with he missed the first 4 years b/c he was in and out of jail. It wasn't until he became sober that he became part of his sons life. That was probably the smartest thing he did. He then tells me yet again "don't worry" b/c they didn't date. So you had a one night stand and knocked her up? Why am I not surprised by this? When the phrase "don't worry" is used more than once on a first date, I can't help but to worry. A lot. To my relief, he finally finishes telling me about his past. I wasn't sure I could handle much more of it. He then says he's an honest guy and that he would rather tell me now about all his "luggage". I think he meant baggage but sure luggage works...

I think I sat there for the next 5 minutes in silence trying to digest all that was told to me. "Don't worry" though, it wasn't awkward for him b/c he was busy shoveling his food in. He didn't even realize that I was in shock. After the initial shock faded, I decided that this will go down so far as the most horrible yet amusing date I have ever had. I didn't even know that it wasn't over yet....

As I was sitting there biting my tongue not to laugh at my evening, my date starts knocking on the glass window we were sitting next to. I quickly turn to see a man shoveling pizza into his mouth outside. He turns, sees my date, and runs right into the restaurant. Dear God. My date then introduces me to.......wait for it........his AA sponsor. I think at this point I bit through my tongue and a small chuckle escaped. For the last 30 minutes of our date, I sat next to my dates AA sponsor and listened to them talk about some of the "guys" who switched halfway houses, fell off the wagon, or got "thrown in the slammer". Not once did I speak. I don't exactly have any knowledge about those things so my contribution would have been ignorant. Thrilled that it was time to meet my friend I politely try to excuse myself so these fine gentlemen can finish their conversation. It was certainly going better than ours had. Unfortunately what I thought was going to be a nice clean escape didn't exactly turn out that way. He then tells his sponsor that he better get going to so he can walk me to where I'm meeting a friend. I try to explain that's unnecessary but he wasn't having it. NOW he decides to be a gentleman. Now.

After a date like that I have never in my life wanted a drink so bad. Ironic actually. I think the term "opposites attract" in this case is very wrong. The thought of introducing this man to my father sends me in a fit of laughter.

My mother always said that one day I would finally leave behind my attraction to bad boys. I didn't believe her. Until now that is. Mom, you're right. I'm sorry. Only nerdy, nice, non tattooed boys from now.....well I'll try.

Next up: A handsome guy who wants to have dinner and drinks in the South End. Now that's my kind of date. Who wants to take bets that he used to be a she before....b/c that's the only way he could top my last horrendous date!

"When You Say Nothing At All"

We have entered the world of technology at an absurd speed and I don't see it slowing down anytime soon or ever for that matter. It has taken over our lives in almost every possible way. Communication forms being number one. Example: Texting.

I personally am a giant fan of it. Almost too much. It's quiet. No awkward silence on the other end. You respond when you can and have the time for it. You don't respond at all. You have time to think of a witty comment to respond back with. Admit it, most of us are much funnier when given the time. By most of us, I mean most of you. I am just plain funny all the time. Hell, texting even lets you behave a little.....naughtier than normal...if you're into that sort of thing of course. All in all, I don't have too many bad things to say about texting. Key word: Too many.

There are of course times when texting is not my friend.....let's take a step back to a last week. Wednesday to be exact. I was minding my own business reading my emails on OkCupid when I received and IM. I am not sure how, seeing I know I clicked off this application b/c I think it's intrusive and see no issue with an just emailing someone. This way the person can respond or not. An IM, is there in your face, blinking at you all pink and white. I find it offensive when I am trying to read an email and this happens. This flashing light keeps taking away my attention from a guy who was polite enough to send an email. Needy if you ask me. I suppose I should have known better...

So here I am staring at this blinking IM...right at a naked stomach. His profile picture is of his abs. Being the smart ass that I am, I can't help but respond to this. "I feel like I am talking to a belly button. Please put some clothes on and then maybe I will consider talking to you." I figured this blunt approach would offend him and his abs and he would disappear. Wrong. Instead he responds with "Sorry, I just wanted to tell you that you're profile is funny and I enjoyed it." So his belly button just told me something I was already aware of. Suddenly his profile picture is of his face. Ok...he changed his picture. The least I can do is talk to him for a bit before I play the "worked 11 hours, I'm really tired, yaaaawn" card.

I ended up talking to B.B. (belly button, keep up) for about 30 minutes. He seemed fine, we shared the same music taste and laughed at everything I said. Smart guy. He then gives me his number, even though I didn't ask for it. I take it and continue talking. I politely get off and tell him I will talk to him later. Whether that was true or not I wasn't quite sure....Of course I forgot to turn the IM application off again and he caught me the next night. I talked to him and decided to make plans with him. I figured worse comes to worse I'll have yet another humorous blog to write about right? This fella is so talented I didn't even need another date....

After making plans with him I give him my number so he has a way of getting a hold of me in case plans need to change. I generally think this is a smart thing to do....generally. He takes my number and decides I am his new texting buddy. Awesome. I get my first text the next day at work. "Have a great day!" Suddenly I start hyperventilating b/c it makes me think of the last guy that wouldn't stop texting me every two seconds. I politely thank him and explain I have a busy day ahead of me and I will talk to him later.

He texts me that night that he just got of work and he's "reaaaaal tired" and asks if I will make the rain go away. You're kidding me. If this is some form of flirting I am nothing but annoyed with you. I don't need updates on you, I don't know you. And please don't ask me to do impossible tasks...those text are reserved for my friends. Thanks. I don't have a response to him so I don't respond at all. This brings up his next text. "Do you still like me?". EXCUSE ME?? "LIKE YOU"? I don't know you! At all. Who are you??? I can already tell this guy is just going to annoy me before my date even begins. This also happens to be the same time I remember my work schedule has changed and I can no longer go on a Monday night date. Hallelujah!! I text him that I unfortunately(complete lie) have to cancel our date for Monday night b/c my schedule at work has changed. If I could even prepare you for his next response I would, but I can't. I think the only way to best explain it is to actually type out word for word his response. Keep in mind I responded once and then he took the rest from there...Also keep in mind that it came into my phone in 6 installments. Are you ready...I sure hope so!

B.B. "So do you want to see me or do I bore you"

Me. Beyond annoyed now and not holding back "You've asked me that more than once. I just said I'm working. You seem like someone that needs a lot of assurance and attention. I don't think I'm the right person for that."

B.B. "Umm sorry didn't know u couldn't text gosh." Yes he said gosh.

B.B. "I hardly talk to u. Not like ur making an effort to get to know me. Not like I could possibly know ur schedules. You are hard to read and I don't intend to be a bother. So if u feel like that its your loss. I've tried to get to know u. It wasn't a big deal that u can't see me. I'm not sweating it. And yeah I mean u don't text me randomly to say hi so I didn't want to feel a bother. I get that ur busy. I'm busy too. Geez. We hadn't had a convo in a few days so I didn't know if I was forgotten about or not. If ur gonna act like I'm a bother then whatever. U blow it out of proportion. I thought u were playful and flirtatious. Was just trying to hear u say sumthin nice I'm not an attention whore." Phew. That was a lot to type!

Well I had no response to that. At all. But I have to say that my favorite sentence out of that train wreck was his last one. The contradicting one that was looking for a compliment but was mentioning that he in fact was not an "attention whore". I don't know about other women, but this one doesn't date men that use the term "attention whore".

To the next guy that says women are needy and crazy...this blog is for you. xoxo.

All The Small Things

"The great question...which I have not been able to answer is, 'What does a woman want?' "~ Freud. Yeah well Freud, I don't friggin know either and I am a woman.

I think I've come to the realization that the qualities I look for in a guy are absolutely impossible. There is no way I can find a guy that owns them all...or at least the ones that I want. First and foremost I want honesty. I'm still a hopeless romantic enough that I believe you can actually find this in a man. I compare what my parents have and know that it does in fact exist. There are couples out there that are more than happy to spend the rest of their lives with one another...and actually be happy to do so. I want a man that can match me on my sarcasm and not be easily offended. I want a man who is confident with himself enough so that he doesn't feel he needs a woman to complete himself....and also be confident to wish these qualities on his partner. I want a creative man, someone that can think outside the box. Someone who doesn't bring home a piece of jewelry b/c its my birthday and thats what your "supposed to do". I don't care about that. I'd be more inclined to swoon if you came home with coconut flavored ice cream b/c you know it's my favorite. I want a man that makes me feel safe. I'm an independent woman but I still like knowing that there's a guy right there to step in front and take care of me. Call me old fashion in that sense. A man that can accept my flaws and maybe find them cute...just like I would do for him. That I know is possible. My mom is a spender and my dad is a saver and they are going on 20 years. She learned to spend a little less and save a little more and he learned to work more overtime!

I still believe that those qualities that I listed are possible to find and even possible to find in all in one man. Now...for the small ridiculous qualities that get me...well a little excited we'll say. Nothing gets my heart pumping when I know that you have a little bad boy in you. I'm not looking for a guy to get me into trouble...I can do that just fine on my own thank you! You know what I'm talking about...that devilish smirk that as an underlying meaning...one that keeps you hanging for more. This is the type of guy that isn't going to ask you if he can kiss you goodnight, no he's going to GIVE you a kiss goodnight.

Another "thing"(we can't call this a quality) that I love, and let me say this now that it is absolutely NOT a make or break deal, is tattoos. I have such a weakness for a man with really beautiful artwork that is displayed on his body. I can't help it. I remember the first time I noticed I found it incredibly hot. I woke up one morning and (MOM COVER YOUR EYES) the guy I was with had his gorgeously tattooed arm up against my pillow. I was actually turned on! I was staring at it and wanted to jump him right there...again. I was hooked ever since. Silly, I know. But, it is what it is.

So there they are. Now the first ones listed obviously come first. But, why can't I find a man that also possess the others. Why is it one or the other? Then I'm left with what? A safe, stable, predictable man or an exciting man that get my heart pumping. Have I set my standards to high? . Am I too picky? Some people say yes while others say I'm allowed to be picky when it comes to choosing the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Can I be happy with one and not the other? I honestly doubt it. Am I being shallow or decisive?

"If you're not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary." ~ Jim Rohn I hear ya man but easier said than done....

Next up: Date with a very tattooed man. He seems funny, sarcastic....let's see what else he possesses.....Stay tuned. I have a feeling this is going to be very amusing. ;)

Caught Up

I can't speak for all men and women when I say this but a good kisser is pretty much a make or break deal. Never underestimate the power of a good kiss. When it happens, it almost makes you feel like everything else will fall into place. Here's where men and women are different. Women can't get past it...we know right then and there, this is not going anywhere further...I'm 26 years old and I'm not in the business of teaching you how to correctly kiss a woman. You want to nail it(haha, that was not intended), then you better be able to knock her off her feet at first kiss. Make it so that I can't gather my thoughts, I can't form an understandable sentence and please make it so I can barely stand up any longer. Oh and also make it so I can still breath. Thanks.

Ok let me back this up a bit....So I was growing increasingly frustrated with Hot Dad and decided it's time to get back out there and set up date. Let's call him.....Too Much Tongue, TMT for short. So TMT and I start talking via email and then decide to take it to the phone. I quickly find out he is extremely blunt. I can handle blunt and I can certainly handle sarcasm but his bluntness was almost on the verge of rude. I found this as a challenge and wanted to put him in his place. Two can play this game and I found out I played it better than him. We decide to meet...

Unfortunately the tool lived in NH. This should have been a giant flashing light. He wanted me to meet him in Lowell and then we could go out. I know, must be hard driving closer to where the girl with no car lives....what was a 10 minute commute for him was about an hour and 15 for me. Another flashing light.

He picks me up with his absolutely adorable puppy. Nice touch. We drop the dog off at his place and he asks if I want to see his house. Well this was quite the shocker. His house was absolutely impressive. I got lost in it by the end of the tour. Yeah, that nice. Part of me wishes that I was morally incorrect enough to like someone for their gorgeous home. He also drove a Saab. Cute Dog. Cool car. Beautiful home. Eh.

We head out for drinks and dinner. For someone that was pretty amusing and witty on the phone apparently had a little stage fright. He barely talked. I was trying to pull information out but this seemed to be an extremely ridiculous task. I was growing increasingly bored and found myself comparing this date to my first date with Hot Dad. SHIT. This is exactly what I wanted to stay away from. I'm out on a date trying to get away from the frustration with HD and here I was thinking about him. You can now add annoyed to the feelings I was having at this point.

We leave the bar and I still have an hour left before my train heads back to the city so we go back to his place. We ended up playing with the dog and watching the Olympics for a bit. Now, in my head, I was fine but totally not thinking about a second date. Well while I was thinking this he leans for a kiss. Whoa, I wasn't expecting this. Ok.......ok no. I think I can go as far as to say this kiss was worse than my first kiss ever. I couldn't breath, I think at one point I choked, and he had this jack rabbit tongue that was darting in and out of my mouth. It was frightening! I think he touched my tonsils at one point. THANK GOD it was time for me to leave. I couldn't wait to be on the train. I didn't want to ever have to do that again. What I wanted, was for HD to call me so I could get this bad kiss off my mouth and have it done correctly to me. Yeah, I said it.

Now when I got home, I told my friends it was "good" and sure, maybe I'd go on another date. What I was really hoping is that he also felt awkward and I was never going to have to deal with this again. "The Kiss" memory kept flashing into my head and was making me uncomfortable all over again. So now here I sit...a majorly failed date, HD still on the mind, and beyond pissed off at the whole situation. To make matters worse, I get a text today from HD. "just sayin' hi ;)"

WHY WHY WHY.

Here's my question: If you're not interested in someone you fade them out. You stop calling/texting/seeing them. So tell me why he continues to text me? I don't get it. I get men. I don't get him. So much so that it's infuriating me! !@%^&$!@#$^^$ I've officially have no idea what's going on any longer. Oh and to be the fool girl that I am...I still want to see him. Insert more cursing here.

What is wrong with me?!?!?!?

Thoughts? Be nice.

"Only Fools Rush In"

So recently I went on what I thought would be a harmless date with man. Yes, a man. A tall, handsome, perfect number of years older than me to make the maturity levels the same....man. A man that is old enough to grow facial hair. The kind of rugged, sexy, scruffy facial hair that I just want to rub my cheek against. A broad shouldered, funny, gone through lifes ups and downs kind of man. A man that can tell me a story and keep me locked in the whole time. A man who actually has his priorities in order. A man that can still behave like a kid...in a good way. A man that can take my sarcasm and give it right back. A man that when goes in for the first kiss completely knocks me off my feet....only to scoop me up and do it again. And when the dizzy feeling leaves,you finally catch your breath, your heart has returned to its normal pattern of beating, your legs seem to stand on their own...you're hoping he does it all over again. Hell, you're hoping he might even do more against everything your mother taught you about dating....

I recently went on a date with a man. This turned into a few more dates. And, for the first time in a very long time I completely lost control and quickly. I knew it. My friends knew it. I could only hope he didn't. My fear: Actually letting a man think I've fallen for him. Once this happens the whole game belongs to him. I have nothing. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the court with no ball, no team, nothing to help me play. And there he is, ball in hand, surrounded by his team. The jerk even has cheerleaders on the side.

This feeling of liking someone actually drives me mad. I'm happy one minute, confused and frustrated the next. I think I know what's going on, then I haven't a clue! He likes me. No wait, he doesn't. I DON'T KNOW AND I HATE IT. This is not enjoyable! This is not fun! This is mind consuming, insecure blowing, big ball of no fun! I start doubting myself. I rethink scenarios in my head. Did I say something? Did I do something? This is the type of woman I pride myself on not behaving like. What happened to me? How do I make the madness stop?!

Well I can't. Instead I have to sit here and wait. Wait for something. Wait for nothing. Wait for disappointment. Wait for absolution. Wait here, completely out of control. Someone recently told me "If you're with a good guy, you're never in control, he just lets you think you are. A bad guy gives you control because he knows he's going to dump your ass in a few months."

Maybe so. When you let go of the illusion that you have this "control", are you actually free. I'm working on it.

(I Make) Good Girls Go Bad

A good man is not so hard to find right? I can think of 10 at the top of my head who are genuinely great guys. You know the type I’m talking about...the one’s that ACTUALLY call when they say they are going to call. Crazy concept huh? They take you on real dates. Hell, they even tell their friends about you. The point it is, they’re not so hard to find. They only have one drink at dinner because they’re driving. They have female friends they haven’t slept with...yeah yeah whatever. The point is, they’re not hard to find. They are right here in front of our face. Now, bad boys are hard to find. Mostly because they are never where they’re supposed to be. In fact, they’re not supposed to be anywhere. They do as they please. And for some unexplained reason, we accept this. We even find it attractive, appealing, sexy, and incredibly frustrating!

If you’re lucky you might actually get a cell phone number. Of course, it’s really so you never know exactly what(or who) a bad boy is doing. It’s infuriating, insensitive, intriguing, and completely insane!

You know you’re dating a bad boy when you’re not sure you’re actually dating. Bad boys are usually one of two things: unavailable or undressed. This leaves you unable to think of anything but where the hell is he and when will he do that to me again?! Bad boys are rule breakers, heartbreakers, and bed shakers....

A bad boy will call you “baby”, probably because he forgot your name, but still, there’s nothing sexier than a bad boy who’s dying to see you, “baby”. It doesn’t matter if anything he says is true. It sounds good, and it feels good, because “baby”, bad boys have throw down. Bad boys are not tentative about kissing. They are not tentative about anything. They know what they want, who they want, and they go for it. This is thrilling when it’s you, and not so thrilling when its the suddenly the model (not) eating at the table next to you. Of course, that rarely happens because bad boys rarely take you out. They don’t have to . The bar is low for bad boys. They don’t have to surprise you with flowers, it’s a surprise when they show up at all. In fact, a bad boy is happy to let a good guy take you to dinner, ask you about you, kiss you goodnight at the door.....a bad boy knows he can call at midnight and still get invited over for dessert. Bad boys are dessert. They’re like hot fudge sundaes. You know you shouldn’t but you do it anyways and enjoy every last bite!

Now if you have read any of my previous blogs you would know that I love myself a bad boy. But....like I said above, the bar is set low. I don’t expect much which means if I actually intend on doing the serious thing, I think it’s time I let the “bad boy” go. *tear*.

I recently went on a date with a fella. We had a great dinner, great conversation, seems normal.....sounds pretty good right? We sat at the table for what seemed like an hour. In actuality, it was 4! Wow, a nice, normal guy on a nice, normal date. Normal. Not heart pounding. Not a butterfly filled stomach. Normal. Well what did I expect?! I mean I’m attracted to bad boys! I couldn’t possibly expect this to be exciting. Well, I did a little. But, I decided how can I not go on another date when the first date was actually great. He even messaged me the next day to tell me what a nice time he had. I decided to put my bad boy attraction to the side and make plans again. Who knows, maybe he’ll surprise me. Second date is set for the following weekend. yay. If you think there was a hint of sarcasm in that “yay”.....you’re right. But give a woman credit, I’m trying!

Well guess what, he surprised me alright! At 3:30 in the morning the day before our second date. Drunk. The dumbass had the nerve to drunk dial me after one date. Really? I gave up bad boys for this? So to all you ladies looking down on me for still digging the bad boys....not. One. Word. I gave it a shot. I almost gave it two. At least with a bad boy the expectations were already low. At least a bad boy is far from “normal”. Bad boys make my heart pound. At least with a bad boy a late night call is more useful to me.....