Dance With The Devil

Have you ever had one of those days/nights where you just felt like you were part of some sitcom? The kind of night where anything and everything that happens seems like it was scripted...for the pure entertainment of others? If not....tag along with me, only then will you understand.What I'm about to write is going to seem made up, exaggerated, and down right absurd. All I can say is it's not and hope that you enjoy....

I make plans with a "gentleman" this past Friday night. I was pretty sure it was going to be one date and one date only but had nothing going on and needed a random night out. Random doesn't even begin. We decide to meet up at a local square we both live near and grab dinner at a low key Italian place. When I walk in to greet him the first thing I notice is his attire for the evening. Displayed across his shirt was this: "Who The F**k Is Kanye West?". Seriously. Listen, I am team Tay Swift too but really?? That's what you chose to wear when you meet someone for the first time? Well we awkwardly hug and walk up to the counter to order our food where the woman greets my date by his first name. Apparently he goes here every night after the gym for dinner. 2 mental notes to jot down: 1. He doesn't cook. 2. Never come here again.

We sit down while we wait for our food and start chatting about our day. Someone how the use of computers comes up and he mentions that he is very computer illiterate but not to worry b/c he's "wicked smaht". Yes, when using the term "wicked smaht", you must be highly intelligent. I slightly choke on my soda and push it back out of my head. I ask him what about computers he finds challenging to which he couldn't exactly answer me but proceeds to explain what he uses it for. Facebook, Okcupid, youtube, and porn. Oh and Google is his wallpaper. I asked if he meant his homescreen to which he cocked his head to the side in confusion. Nevermind. I ask him what kind of computer he has and he tells me a macbook. Oh, hey we have something in common! He then finishes that with he got a stolen one for "wicked cheap" and he's going to have someone wipe it all out so it will be like his now. I stare at him. "You bought a stolen computer?" "Oh yeah, it's so much cheaper to do that. My ipod is stolen too" Ok if there is one thing that angers me, it's this. Coming from someone who had her iphone stolen right from her, I'm livid. At this point I'm now just passing the time before I meet up with a friend. Getting angry with someone like this is so beyond useless. I decide to change the subject....

I figured a safe question to ask would be where he grew up. Silly me. He tells me he grew up in South Boston in a really bad neighborhood. Shocking. This opens up to him wanting to tell me a little about his backround. In the next 20 minutes I found he spent his early 20's in jail. But not to worry b/c it wasn't in 5 straight years. Oh so you're a repeat offender who was arrested multiple times? Great, yeah I'm totally not worried....He tells me he was arrested for possession of OC's along with "other things". I never asked what these "other things" were but you can imagine where my head was going. He then tells me he has been sober for two years and that he has finally straightened out his life. Aside from purchasing stolen electronics that is. I congratulate him on his soberness b/c at that point I have nothing else to say.

At this point I am scared to ask any question for fear of the answer I will receive. Suddenly I realized I never asked about his tattoo sleeves. Seems like a a safe approach.....stupid. Stupid me. His tattoos? No big deal. It's just God with two handguns blowing the brains out of the devil. Charming. What was more charming? The "FTW" printed on the knuckles of the Devil. For those of you that don't know what that stands for...."F**k The World. No lie.

Next on the history of this gentleman was that he has a 6 year old son. Ok that I did not know. He follows that up with he missed the first 4 years b/c he was in and out of jail. It wasn't until he became sober that he became part of his sons life. That was probably the smartest thing he did. He then tells me yet again "don't worry" b/c they didn't date. So you had a one night stand and knocked her up? Why am I not surprised by this? When the phrase "don't worry" is used more than once on a first date, I can't help but to worry. A lot. To my relief, he finally finishes telling me about his past. I wasn't sure I could handle much more of it. He then says he's an honest guy and that he would rather tell me now about all his "luggage". I think he meant baggage but sure luggage works...

I think I sat there for the next 5 minutes in silence trying to digest all that was told to me. "Don't worry" though, it wasn't awkward for him b/c he was busy shoveling his food in. He didn't even realize that I was in shock. After the initial shock faded, I decided that this will go down so far as the most horrible yet amusing date I have ever had. I didn't even know that it wasn't over yet....

As I was sitting there biting my tongue not to laugh at my evening, my date starts knocking on the glass window we were sitting next to. I quickly turn to see a man shoveling pizza into his mouth outside. He turns, sees my date, and runs right into the restaurant. Dear God. My date then introduces me to.......wait for it........his AA sponsor. I think at this point I bit through my tongue and a small chuckle escaped. For the last 30 minutes of our date, I sat next to my dates AA sponsor and listened to them talk about some of the "guys" who switched halfway houses, fell off the wagon, or got "thrown in the slammer". Not once did I speak. I don't exactly have any knowledge about those things so my contribution would have been ignorant. Thrilled that it was time to meet my friend I politely try to excuse myself so these fine gentlemen can finish their conversation. It was certainly going better than ours had. Unfortunately what I thought was going to be a nice clean escape didn't exactly turn out that way. He then tells his sponsor that he better get going to so he can walk me to where I'm meeting a friend. I try to explain that's unnecessary but he wasn't having it. NOW he decides to be a gentleman. Now.

After a date like that I have never in my life wanted a drink so bad. Ironic actually. I think the term "opposites attract" in this case is very wrong. The thought of introducing this man to my father sends me in a fit of laughter.

My mother always said that one day I would finally leave behind my attraction to bad boys. I didn't believe her. Until now that is. Mom, you're right. I'm sorry. Only nerdy, nice, non tattooed boys from now.....well I'll try.

Next up: A handsome guy who wants to have dinner and drinks in the South End. Now that's my kind of date. Who wants to take bets that he used to be a she before....b/c that's the only way he could top my last horrendous date!